bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
