I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
