I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
