Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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