Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Randomize
