Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
