Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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