my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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