just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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