Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
