there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
