i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
