So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
