Your mouth is God's brothel.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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