New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
