I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
