youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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