Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You're like the curious george of whores
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
