Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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