I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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