Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
