i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
never play flip cup with pint glasses
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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