omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
