Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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