HIV tests are more positive than that guy
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
