Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I've blown a few things in my day
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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