He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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