i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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