I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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