My first STD was from a foam party
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
