I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
