I'm pants shitting drunk right now
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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