I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
