Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Are my feet made of real feet?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Randomize
