Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
