thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
