I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
