How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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