I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Randomize
