you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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