Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
how does that bad decision feel?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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