My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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