you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
