I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I understand Curling. That high.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
