god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
