he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
