i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Damn victory sex feels great
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
