totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just gift wrapped bread.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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