Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
