That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
