it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
